Jeremiah 29:13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

Intimate relationships can be painful. No human relationship endures more hiding and hurting than marriage. It is within this most intimate of human associations that two people seek to know one another and be known. It is tragic that many people marry to stop being lonely, but soon find themselves lonelier than they were as singles.

I believe that 95 percent of all marriages suffer from isolation, and few people in marriage realize how desperately alone they really are. Often a husband and wife begin drifting apart so slowly that they hardly recognize the slide. Then, after a few years of hiding and poor communication, they realize that their once romantic love has grown stale. That's why many successful-looking marriages aren't much more than two successful people independently doing their own thing; they aren't friends and life-partners.

How do you defeat this drift to isolation?

I believe the most important thing you can do as a couple is to regularly pray together. Carmen and I began this spiritual discipline shortly after we were married, and I believe it's done more for our marriage than any other single thing. If there's a problem between us, we find that we either resolve the problem and pray, or go to sleep angry. Because of our commitment to end each day in prayer, we have learned to build bridges of understanding between us, forgive one another, and then pray.

Praying together keeps us from hiding from one another.

Praying that we all learnto be more open,
Pastor Mike

Pleasing Your Mate

Romans 15:1-3 Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to his edification. For even Christ did not please Himself.


I am convinced that great marriages and great families are rooted in self-denial. In a truly biblical, Christian marriage, both people are willing to give up their lives for one another in order to love their mate properly.

In our nation's economy, one usually determines the value of a piece of merchandise or a service by how much one has to give up, or sacrifice, to gain it. If a teenager wants to buy a new basketball, it will cost him a couple of weekends of freedom in order to complete enough chores to earn the money to pay for it.

In a similar fashion, your mate often interprets how much you love or value him or her by how much you are willing to sacrifice for him or her.

For the woman trying to please her husband, it has often been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Why not cook the foods he enjoys? Be careful not to become his mother, feeding him only what is "good for him." Spoil him a little.

A husband can please his wife by finding out what her number one need is, and then helping to meet that need if he can. It may be as simple as a walk and time to talk with her. Or as complex as a child that has her under his or her control.

The main concern here is to do the right thing: Please your spouse.

Hoping we all become better at "giving" to our spouses,
Pastor Mike

Building a better relationship through communication.

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger

If you have legitimate needs in a relationship, and they are not being met, should you risk expressing your needs? Yes, but express them in such a way that you don't impugn the other person's character or act as his conscience. For example, you may feel unloved in a relationship and say, "You don't love me any more." Or you feel that your spouse doesn't value you and say, "You make me feel worthless." Or you feel a distance developing between you and your friend and say, "You never write or call." You have expressed your need, but you have played the role of the conscience in that person. You are usurping the role of the Holy Spirit. And by pushing off your need as his problem, he will probably respond by getting defensive, further straining the relationship.

What if you expressed your needs this way: "I don't feel loved any more"; "I feel like a worthless, unimportant person"; "I miss it when we don't communicate regularly"? By changing the "you" accusation to an "I" message, you express your need without blaming anyone. Your nonjudgmental approach allows God to deal with the person's conscience. The other person is free to respond to your need instead of defend himself against your attack.

When we assume the responsibility of another person's conscience, we misdirect that person's battle with God to ourselves, and we are insufficient for the task. We are under the commandment of God to love one another. So when a legitimate need is made known, trust God to bring the conviction that will move that person to meet the need.

Praying that we all learn to communicate,
Pastor Mike

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger

If you have legitimate needs in a relationship, and they are not being met, should you risk expressing your needs? Yes, but express them in such a way that you don't impugn the other person's character or act as his conscience. For example, you may feel unloved in a relationship and say, "You don't love me any more." Or you feel that your spouse doesn't value you and say, "You make me feel worthless." Or you feel a distance developing between you and your friend and say, "You never write or call." You have expressed your need, but you have played the role of the conscience in that person. You are usurping the role of the Holy Spirit. And by pushing off your need as his problem, he will probably respond by getting defensive, further straining the relationship.

What if you expressed your needs this way: "I don't feel loved any more"; "I feel like a worthless, unimportant person"; "I miss it when we don't communicate regularly"? By changing the "you" accusation to an "I" message, you express your need without blaming anyone. Your nonjudgmental approach allows God to deal with the person's conscience. The other person is free to respond to your need instead of defend himself against your attack.

When we assume the responsibility of another person's conscience, we misdirect that person's battle with God to ourselves, and we are insufficient for the task. We are under the commandment of God to love one another. So when a legitimate need is made known, trust God to bring the conviction that will move that person to meet the need.

Praying that we all learn to communicate,
Pastor Mike

Complacency vs. Commitment

1 Corinthians 10:12 Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.

We need to make certain our marriages are divorce proof. Pastor/author Chuck Swindoll asks a great question: "Are there any termites in your troth?" One of those termites could be complacency.

First Corinthians 10:12 offers a formidable warning to the one who thinks this infestation of termites can't reach into his marriage. How many ministers, missionaries and laymen have fallen into affairs and divorce after allowing romantic complacency to settle into their marriages?

We need to resurrect the true meaning of commitment. In this age of lite beer, lite syrup and lite salad dressing, it's no wonder we exhibit lite commitment, too. But for a Christian, commitment is a sacred vow and promise to God. It's two people who hang in there during the best and worst of times and who won't quit. It's a husband and wife who find working through problems much more rewarding than walking out.

We need to pass on to our children the real definition of commitment while continually exposing the lies that their peers and the media propagate. A person who does not understand his or her ultimate accountability to God has little reason to fulfill a vow or commitment to another human being.

There's another type of complacency we need to address: We need to fight for other marriages besides our own. A growing number of Christians, upon hearing of the hurt and anguish of their friends, do not reach for their Bibles, but, instead, hastily offer a parachute and say, "Bail out!" Or they simply sit by, saying and doing nothing. They just let it happen. Hey, I understand. When there's only a slim thread of hope, what are you going to do?

You and I have got to go to the guy who just left his family and tell him it just isn't going to be that easy. He can't just walk out on them. And that woman in our Sunday School class? She can't leave her husband for this other guy and think things will be business as usual. Plead, beg and pray with them. And get them some help.

Praying that we all stick it out,
Pastor Mike

Recovering from the battle

Even the nicest homes need maintenance. They need to be cleaned, repaired, manicured and managed. In the same way, your relationships needs maintenance. Because nobody is perfect, there will be emotional meltdowns, communication faux paus and plain old mistakes in your marriage so you need to be good at recovering, recuperating and reconnecting. To help in the process consider these ways of keeping your relationship in good shape.

1. Test the waters. Don't say a thing, just give her a hug, or squeeze his knee or pat his hand. Sometimes the best things in life are unsaid. One way to remember this principle is this little poem:

To keep a marriage brimming
with love in the loving cup --
When you are wrong, admit it
and when you are right, shut up!

2. Look for a positive. Anything positive -- even, "Sure is nice weather today, huh?" In fact, one researcher discovered that the more positively couples rated their communication, the more satisfied they were with their relationship.

3. Try to encourage. Look for something that is good. Say some word of affirmation. A kind word can cure the heart of any ailment.

4. Look for the humor. This's not the cutting humor that can slice a heart. Instead, look for the inside joke. In our surveys of couples who have long-term happy marriages, nearly everyone mentioned the need for a good sense of humor! King Solomon, known as the wisest man in history, says, "A cheerful heart is good medicine . . ." .( Proverbs 17:2) and "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." (Proverbs 16:24)

5. Keep it in perspective. Real problems are when someone has cancer or you've just lost a loved one. Everything else is just an obstacle to overcome.

6. "Plan B" it. Offer alternative suggestions and solutions. If things are really tense, you might want to hold your spouse for awhile then ask, "Are you ready to brainstorm some alternatives yet?"

7. Walk it off! If your mate has a severe emotional meltdown, offer to take the kids to the park (they probably want to escape too). Vacating the premises sometimes gives God some space to quietly work on your spouse. God's healing and encouragement can be pretty powerful. Draw her a bath, light some candles, turn on some soft music and pray for her. Give him a safe place to escape and cool down. The garage, the tennis court, the golf course or the park to shoot some hoops might work to give him time to mentally regroup. Or, find a way to relax and take five together. Take a walk, go on a bike ride, or water the lawn.

8. Hey, Look Over There! Offer up a distraction: The movies, a shopping trip, or lunch out. For many women, a trip to Starbucks for a cappuccino, a stop at Crate and Barrel, some lotion and any kind of chocolate might do the trick. For a man who is upset or angry, a trip to the batting cages to let him get his aggressions out might help a bit.

9. Mia Culpa. If the emotional meltdown was your fault, apologize. Guys learned long ago that candy, flowers and diamonds are a good way out of the doghouse. Remember, no husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes! So, if you lost it emotionally on your spouse try to think of a very sincere, very creative way to make amends. I don't know what the guy's mistake was, but I knew it had to have been pretty big when one day while driving down the freeway, I saw a huge white bed sheet with "I'm so sorry, Paula!" spray painted in big bold letters. I hope Paula forgave him because that big a gesture is very rare.

10. Keep Short Accounts. It is not unusual for passionate couples to ride the emotional roller coaster of life together. Couples who choose to let the past reside in the past get a fresh start with each other regularly. Couples who let resentments build up find that even the smallest infractions can create major conflicts. You might be able to make a few points like the husband who proposed a toast to his wife at an anniversary party:

Hope these ideas help, and may the Lord bless you as you move through the troubled waters that can hit a marriage,

Pastor Mike

Questions to ask in a marriage

Them that made them at the begining made them both male and female, for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother , and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So then, they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man seperate. Matthew 19:4-6

As I came home from work each night this week, I truly realized how blessed I was to have married a good woman of God. It's been a rough week, and Carmen was there every step of the way to support and love me. As I thought about how lucky I was, I also realized that it was because we both have the same belief system. We both believe that Jesus Christ is our lord and saviour.

Thinking about that made me want to ask a question to my readers. The same question is equally important to people who are looking to get married, engaged, married, or having marital problem.

1. Are You Both Married to Jesus Christ?

This question pertains to the most important aspect of your relationship—the spiritual. If you or your date does not know Jesus as the primary Source of love, then you'll try to manipulate love from one another. Depending on performance-based human love is like eating chocolate—it may taste good, but it can't satisfy you. Your heart needs more than romantic affection to survive; it needs unconditional love, which can only be found in Jesus Christ. It's best to marry someone who understands that he or she is married to Jesus and realizes the importance of depending on Him for fulfillment.

You'll struggle to find this kind of person, but, if you believe that you can enjoy true intimacy with a non-Christian. Many Christian singles make this mistake in dating and short-change themselves. Let me explain why.

As Christians, my wife Carmen and I are united in Jesus Christ. This means that the same Jesus who lives within me also lives within Carmen. Therefore, He can help us love one another more deeply. Jesus can love Carmen by desiring to do so through me, sometimes without her having to say anything.

I don’t have to struggle on my own to be a good husband to Carmen. I can rest and allow Jesus to love her through me. Since He lives within both of us, He knows when she's tired or frustrated and can prompt me to encourage her. Likewise, He can inspire Carmen to support me when I need encouragement. This kind of supernatural love creates a bond stronger than that of any non-Christian married couple.

Let me clarify that our marriage bond in Christ doesn't give Carmen and me some sort of spiritual voodoo. We can't read each other’s thoughts. But as we respond to the desires that Jesus puts within our hearts, He leads us to love one another in the best manner. This creates real intimacy. Joined together in Christ, Ashley and I share the same wish to glorify God, the same joys and sorrows, and the same Source of love—we are one (Ephesians 5:31-32).

If you join yourself to an unbeliever, you'll be incapable of sharing real intimacy. Are you free to date a non-Christian? Yes, but the Bible states that it is not profitable (1 Corinthians 10:23). God views believers and unbelievers as opposites who have no potential for a deep union (2 Corinthians 6:14; 1 Corinthians 7:39).

Can a Christian get along with an unbeliever and have fun dating him or her? Sure. In fact, some non-Christians exhibit just as much honesty and sensitivity as some Christians do. However, if you marry an unbeliever, he or she will generally have a larger influence on the direction of your relationship.

I compare dating a non-Christian to mountain climbing and rappelling. Imagine that a Christian woman stands at the top of a mountain, and an unbelieving man stands at the bottom. If the unbelieving man wants to join her, he must decide on his own to make the journey up. The woman can't pull the man up with her own strength or force him to climb. Should the man not want to climb the mountain, the woman will remain at the top by herself. Likewise, if the woman wants to be with the man, she will feel tempted to rappel down to his level. Otherwise, they could try to meet halfway, but then they would hang uncomfortably off the side of the mountain.

Using romance to coax a non-Christian to climb up to your spiritual level is unhealthy. Some call it “missionary dating,” which is the process of trying to convert an unbeliever while dating him or her. Though evangelistic affection may sound noble, the idea is flawed in several ways.

1. A Christian can't overpower a non-Christian’s free will and force him or her to accept Christ.

2. An unbeliever might fake a conversion simply to gain your acceptance.

3. New Christians don't automatically have character or spiritual maturity.

4. A non-Christian cannot meet your need for love or security.

If you try to convert someone to Christ just so you can date and marry him or her, you cloud that person’s spiritual decision with human romance. In addition, if someone professes faith in Christ solely so that he or she can date you, the person probably is not a Christian. A person becomes a Christian when he or she genuinely asks forgiveness for sin and accepts Christ as Lord of his or her life. Even if you lead someone to accept Christ, he or she may need years to develop the maturity necessary for sacrificial love in marriage.

If you date an unbeliever (or even an immature Christian), you'll usually assume the role of spiritual parent. You become that person’s connection to God, and he or she can improperly cling to you for spiritual direction and maturity. Therefore, your dating relationship becomes an unhealthy parent-child situation. Since you can’t improve another person’s character, the two of you will remain on unequal levels. For Christians and non- Christians, reliance on each other prevents you from learning to rely on Christ.

Spiritually disinterested singles can seem fun to date. Yet if you marry someone who doesn’t love Jesus, you will limit your opportunity to share oneness. Instead, seek to date and marry a mature Christian single who embraces his or her spiritual marriage to Jesus. Then you will have a partner who can participate in divine intimacy with you.

Praying for peace in your marriage,
Pastor Mike

God's Three Purposes for Marriage

When it comes to marriage, many Christians believe if they go to a good church, take a marriage enrichment course and occasionally read marriage books, they will have a strong marriage. Their focus tends to be on solving tactical problem areas such as communication, sex and finances. Yet, in His Word, God provides strategic purposes for Christian marriage that are vitally important for all to know.

The Fall of Satan and Your Marriage

God’s purposes for marriage are related to the fall of Satan. The original oneness and harmony of eternity past was a wonderful reflection of God’s image in all of creation. The angels, beings created by God, depended entirely on Him and were completely one with God and His will. But Satan’s pride and fall became a threat to this oneness. The most beautiful angel of God’s creation decided that he did not need God. Since then Satan has challenged God’s will and purposes continually.

The creation of the earth and Adam and Eve was not just an afterthought of God’s, but a response to Satan’s challenge. It demonstrated to all of creation, that only complete dependence on God results in true life. Adam and Eve, and every person who followed, has a tremendous stake in God’s plan and purpose for man.

In this context, God gives three mandates for Christian marriage: to reflect, reign, and reproduce. And, because of the importance of these purposes, Satan works hard to keep Christians from accomplishing them. Let’s look further at these purposes.

1. Reflect God’s Image

Christian marriages are to reflect God’s image:

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. So, God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:26-27

Notice the emphasis on “image” and “likeness.” God creates “them” as a unit to reflect Him. When we criticize our spouse, or foster division and competition, we are actually reflecting the disunity of Satan and dishonoring God. On the other hand, when we recognize our purpose is to reflect the image of God, we are convicted by Holy Spirit when we don’t meet that standard and protected from hardening our hearts toward one another.

2. Reproduce Children in God’s Likeness

God’s second purpose for marriage is to reproduce:

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” Genesis 1:28a

God wants married couples to reproduce children – in His “likeness.” Couples who are competitive, angry and divided, are not fully able to nurture children in God’s image. Why? In order to teach children the principles of agape love, godly discipline, and good morals, it must first be modeled by parents. Words are not enough! As parents puts aside their innate selfishness and trust God to meet their needs, petty disagreements fade in comparison to their love for their children. The Christian couple who does not have children can fulfill this purpose by making others disciples of Jesus Christ.

3. Reign in Spiritual Warfare

The third purpose for marriage is to reign:

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” Genesis 1:28a

We are to be stewards of the physical resources entrusted to us and we must do our share in the spiritual realm. A spiritual battle goes on in every heart. Only as couples come together in unity and oneness will the enemy of our souls be defeated. Just as the Godhead represents perfect unity and is a force for God’s will in His universe, the Christian couple is to pray and discern God’s will in all situations.

Two Becoming One

To accomplish God’s purposes for your marriage – to reflect, reproduce and reign together – you must be at one with your spouse and with God. Oneness happens as a result of believing that God has uniquely placed you together in agreement with God’s will and with each other. The practical results are cooperation, unity and encouragement.

In Ephesians 6:12, we learn, “… our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the…spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Practically, our struggle is not against our spouse but against Satan who wants us to believe that our spouse is the problem. We must learn to keep our eyes on Jesus Christ and not on people.

If you are a Christian couple considering marriage, who have been married for a while, or whose marriage is in trouble, God can make the most out of your situation. Just turn to His Word and follow His plan for your marriage.

Praying for the union of God,
Pastor Mike