Recovering from the battle
Even the nicest homes need maintenance. They need to be cleaned, repaired, manicured and managed. In the same way, your relationships needs maintenance. Because nobody is perfect, there will be emotional meltdowns, communication faux paus and plain old mistakes in your marriage so you need to be good at recovering, recuperating and reconnecting. To help in the process consider these ways of keeping your relationship in good shape.
1. Test the waters. Don't say a thing, just give her a hug, or squeeze his knee or pat his hand. Sometimes the best things in life are unsaid. One way to remember this principle is this little poem:
To keep a marriage brimming
with love in the loving cup --
When you are wrong, admit it
and when you are right, shut up!
2. Look for a positive. Anything positive -- even, "Sure is nice weather today, huh?" In fact, one researcher discovered that the more positively couples rated their communication, the more satisfied they were with their relationship.
3. Try to encourage. Look for something that is good. Say some word of affirmation. A kind word can cure the heart of any ailment.
4. Look for the humor. This's not the cutting humor that can slice a heart. Instead, look for the inside joke. In our surveys of couples who have long-term happy marriages, nearly everyone mentioned the need for a good sense of humor! King Solomon, known as the wisest man in history, says, "A cheerful heart is good medicine . . ." .( Proverbs 17:2) and "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." (Proverbs 16:24)
5. Keep it in perspective. Real problems are when someone has cancer or you've just lost a loved one. Everything else is just an obstacle to overcome.
6. "Plan B" it. Offer alternative suggestions and solutions. If things are really tense, you might want to hold your spouse for awhile then ask, "Are you ready to brainstorm some alternatives yet?"
7. Walk it off! If your mate has a severe emotional meltdown, offer to take the kids to the park (they probably want to escape too). Vacating the premises sometimes gives God some space to quietly work on your spouse. God's healing and encouragement can be pretty powerful. Draw her a bath, light some candles, turn on some soft music and pray for her. Give him a safe place to escape and cool down. The garage, the tennis court, the golf course or the park to shoot some hoops might work to give him time to mentally regroup. Or, find a way to relax and take five together. Take a walk, go on a bike ride, or water the lawn.
8. Hey, Look Over There! Offer up a distraction: The movies, a shopping trip, or lunch out. For many women, a trip to Starbucks for a cappuccino, a stop at Crate and Barrel, some lotion and any kind of chocolate might do the trick. For a man who is upset or angry, a trip to the batting cages to let him get his aggressions out might help a bit.
9. Mia Culpa. If the emotional meltdown was your fault, apologize. Guys learned long ago that candy, flowers and diamonds are a good way out of the doghouse. Remember, no husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes! So, if you lost it emotionally on your spouse try to think of a very sincere, very creative way to make amends. I don't know what the guy's mistake was, but I knew it had to have been pretty big when one day while driving down the freeway, I saw a huge white bed sheet with "I'm so sorry, Paula!" spray painted in big bold letters. I hope Paula forgave him because that big a gesture is very rare.
10. Keep Short Accounts. It is not unusual for passionate couples to ride the emotional roller coaster of life together. Couples who choose to let the past reside in the past get a fresh start with each other regularly. Couples who let resentments build up find that even the smallest infractions can create major conflicts. You might be able to make a few points like the husband who proposed a toast to his wife at an anniversary party:
Hope these ideas help, and may the Lord bless you as you move through the troubled waters that can hit a marriage,
Pastor Mike
1. Test the waters. Don't say a thing, just give her a hug, or squeeze his knee or pat his hand. Sometimes the best things in life are unsaid. One way to remember this principle is this little poem:
To keep a marriage brimming
with love in the loving cup --
When you are wrong, admit it
and when you are right, shut up!
2. Look for a positive. Anything positive -- even, "Sure is nice weather today, huh?" In fact, one researcher discovered that the more positively couples rated their communication, the more satisfied they were with their relationship.
3. Try to encourage. Look for something that is good. Say some word of affirmation. A kind word can cure the heart of any ailment.
4. Look for the humor. This's not the cutting humor that can slice a heart. Instead, look for the inside joke. In our surveys of couples who have long-term happy marriages, nearly everyone mentioned the need for a good sense of humor! King Solomon, known as the wisest man in history, says, "A cheerful heart is good medicine . . ." .( Proverbs 17:2) and "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." (Proverbs 16:24)
5. Keep it in perspective. Real problems are when someone has cancer or you've just lost a loved one. Everything else is just an obstacle to overcome.
6. "Plan B" it. Offer alternative suggestions and solutions. If things are really tense, you might want to hold your spouse for awhile then ask, "Are you ready to brainstorm some alternatives yet?"
7. Walk it off! If your mate has a severe emotional meltdown, offer to take the kids to the park (they probably want to escape too). Vacating the premises sometimes gives God some space to quietly work on your spouse. God's healing and encouragement can be pretty powerful. Draw her a bath, light some candles, turn on some soft music and pray for her. Give him a safe place to escape and cool down. The garage, the tennis court, the golf course or the park to shoot some hoops might work to give him time to mentally regroup. Or, find a way to relax and take five together. Take a walk, go on a bike ride, or water the lawn.
8. Hey, Look Over There! Offer up a distraction: The movies, a shopping trip, or lunch out. For many women, a trip to Starbucks for a cappuccino, a stop at Crate and Barrel, some lotion and any kind of chocolate might do the trick. For a man who is upset or angry, a trip to the batting cages to let him get his aggressions out might help a bit.
9. Mia Culpa. If the emotional meltdown was your fault, apologize. Guys learned long ago that candy, flowers and diamonds are a good way out of the doghouse. Remember, no husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes! So, if you lost it emotionally on your spouse try to think of a very sincere, very creative way to make amends. I don't know what the guy's mistake was, but I knew it had to have been pretty big when one day while driving down the freeway, I saw a huge white bed sheet with "I'm so sorry, Paula!" spray painted in big bold letters. I hope Paula forgave him because that big a gesture is very rare.
10. Keep Short Accounts. It is not unusual for passionate couples to ride the emotional roller coaster of life together. Couples who choose to let the past reside in the past get a fresh start with each other regularly. Couples who let resentments build up find that even the smallest infractions can create major conflicts. You might be able to make a few points like the husband who proposed a toast to his wife at an anniversary party:
Hope these ideas help, and may the Lord bless you as you move through the troubled waters that can hit a marriage,
Pastor Mike
posted by Mike Sanderson @ 6:36 PM
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