Pleasing Your Mate

Romans 15:1-3 Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to his edification. For even Christ did not please Himself.


I am convinced that great marriages and great families are rooted in self-denial. In a truly biblical, Christian marriage, both people are willing to give up their lives for one another in order to love their mate properly.

In our nation's economy, one usually determines the value of a piece of merchandise or a service by how much one has to give up, or sacrifice, to gain it. If a teenager wants to buy a new basketball, it will cost him a couple of weekends of freedom in order to complete enough chores to earn the money to pay for it.

In a similar fashion, your mate often interprets how much you love or value him or her by how much you are willing to sacrifice for him or her.

For the woman trying to please her husband, it has often been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Why not cook the foods he enjoys? Be careful not to become his mother, feeding him only what is "good for him." Spoil him a little.

A husband can please his wife by finding out what her number one need is, and then helping to meet that need if he can. It may be as simple as a walk and time to talk with her. Or as complex as a child that has her under his or her control.

The main concern here is to do the right thing: Please your spouse.

Hoping we all become better at "giving" to our spouses,
Pastor Mike

Building a better relationship through communication.

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger

If you have legitimate needs in a relationship, and they are not being met, should you risk expressing your needs? Yes, but express them in such a way that you don't impugn the other person's character or act as his conscience. For example, you may feel unloved in a relationship and say, "You don't love me any more." Or you feel that your spouse doesn't value you and say, "You make me feel worthless." Or you feel a distance developing between you and your friend and say, "You never write or call." You have expressed your need, but you have played the role of the conscience in that person. You are usurping the role of the Holy Spirit. And by pushing off your need as his problem, he will probably respond by getting defensive, further straining the relationship.

What if you expressed your needs this way: "I don't feel loved any more"; "I feel like a worthless, unimportant person"; "I miss it when we don't communicate regularly"? By changing the "you" accusation to an "I" message, you express your need without blaming anyone. Your nonjudgmental approach allows God to deal with the person's conscience. The other person is free to respond to your need instead of defend himself against your attack.

When we assume the responsibility of another person's conscience, we misdirect that person's battle with God to ourselves, and we are insufficient for the task. We are under the commandment of God to love one another. So when a legitimate need is made known, trust God to bring the conviction that will move that person to meet the need.

Praying that we all learn to communicate,
Pastor Mike

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger

If you have legitimate needs in a relationship, and they are not being met, should you risk expressing your needs? Yes, but express them in such a way that you don't impugn the other person's character or act as his conscience. For example, you may feel unloved in a relationship and say, "You don't love me any more." Or you feel that your spouse doesn't value you and say, "You make me feel worthless." Or you feel a distance developing between you and your friend and say, "You never write or call." You have expressed your need, but you have played the role of the conscience in that person. You are usurping the role of the Holy Spirit. And by pushing off your need as his problem, he will probably respond by getting defensive, further straining the relationship.

What if you expressed your needs this way: "I don't feel loved any more"; "I feel like a worthless, unimportant person"; "I miss it when we don't communicate regularly"? By changing the "you" accusation to an "I" message, you express your need without blaming anyone. Your nonjudgmental approach allows God to deal with the person's conscience. The other person is free to respond to your need instead of defend himself against your attack.

When we assume the responsibility of another person's conscience, we misdirect that person's battle with God to ourselves, and we are insufficient for the task. We are under the commandment of God to love one another. So when a legitimate need is made known, trust God to bring the conviction that will move that person to meet the need.

Praying that we all learn to communicate,
Pastor Mike